Turning point

There have been a few times in my life when I sincerely knew that I was depressed.  The summer of my 25th birthday comes to  mind.  Otherwise known as, "the summer of My Discontent."  I had lost my job because I wouldn't let my boss touch my ass (we later settled out of court and it paid for a good chunk of my law school tuition that year), I broke up with my fiance and had just purchased a house that I couldn't afford.  If it hadn't been for the fact that I could never devastate my family with a suicide, I was emotionally in the hole enough to consider it.  That fall, I started law school and things eventually got better.

Before I go any further, let me unequivocally state for the record:  I would never, ever, ever consider suicide.  Although simply falling asleep for a really long time sounds really attractive sometimes, I would never leave my babies. 

Okay, with that being said, I'm presently feeling some of the same emotions I remember feeling that summer:  withdrawn, lonely, desperate for things to get better.  I don't think that any one thing will solve my problems or how I'm feeling, because there are so many factors that are contributing. 

First, I have to do something about pain management.  Recently, it's come to my attention that the copious amount of ibuprofen I've been taking are ruining my stomach.  I've tried to see a doctor about it, but as predicted, her answer was to simply write me a scrip for birth control pills and shoo me out the door in less than three minutes.  I am so sick of medical doctors. 

Second, the job hunt has me down.  'Nuff said. 

Third, I feel like a total failure at home.  I can't keep up with the laundry, the dishes or even thank-you cards.  I haven't written a bona fide thank-you card in months and there have been many occasions where it was mostly certainly required. 

On the weekends, I don't want to get out of bed.  On weekdays, it takes me hours to accomplish simple tasks. 

At what point do you determine that this is simply a blue day or blue week and hope for the best?  At what point do you determine that it's a problem that you need help for?

The other part of the problem is that I feel like my profession really makes it impossible for me to admit vulnerability.  Pragmatism and good judgment are supposed to be my bread and butter.  If I can't accomplish those two things in my own life how can I counsel people to do so in their lives? 

Comments

[Erin O']

You're being too hard on yourself. It's winter, and it's cold, so there's that. And not being satisfied professionally is really draining.

Not that you shouldn't seek help if you feel you need it, because asking for help is NOT a sign of weakness, but of strength. Whether it be by giving yourself an indulgence like a massage, having someone help with the housework, or seeing a therapist, if that seems like the best thing, a little help might lift the burden some.

If it helps, things here have been dicey with the cold and the two of us housebound with the flu and fatigue ready to throttle one another. I'm looking forward to going to work tomorrow for the first time in 2 weeks so we have some time apart!

e

[starfish]

Hmm..well that sucks. I'm sorry your down in the dumps. I know what it's like to try and be superwoman all the time, sometimes you just can't take it anymore and something has to give. And, more than anything else, everything is worse when you're in pain.

I won't try to give you advice, but know that I've been where you are (and I'm sure I'll be back eventually). Only you can determine if and when you need help. I will say if it starts affecting the boys, then it's probably time...

[Jen]

I'm sorry you're in such a down spot right now--it sounds like a whole bunch of things are conspiring against you. I don't know if you've had any luck with ADs in the past, but now might be a good time to see about it, if you've got a doc you can trust.

As for feeling like you need help when you should, as a lawyer, have the answers--well, our profession has such high rates of substance abuse, that I think you're far healthier than most if you can get assistance in a better way. Best of luck, sweetie. We're here if you need us.

[DD]

I'm trying to think of a novel way of telling you to seek out a second opinion as it sure does sound like depression. But it almost seems too obvious. Isn't that dumb?

I also believe the season plays havoc on too many, but especially women.

One weekend of covorting and drinking may not fix how you are feeling, but I'm thinking it can't hurt, either. I'll be the first to volunteer.

[wavybrains]

I'm not in a position to diagnosis, but as a depression sufferer, I can commiserate and say FIND A BETTER DOCTOR. Call your insurance company. Ask for a referral to a mental health center/doctor/therapist--whatever they cover. They'll have a detailed checklist that you can fill out to determine if you are in fact clinical depressed, SAD, or some other malady--and can help you work out a treatment plan if you are--medicine versus nonmedicine. You DESERVE to feel better--that's something I wish more people had said to me. Being miserable and being a lawyer don't have to go hand and hand. You deserve to feel good, and to have each day be less of a struggle. Your Bar probably has an anonymous attorney assistance program--ours does. Take advantage of this service. They can refer you to professionals used to dealing with lawyers and others in high-stress jobs. I hope that you get some help and feel better soon! It took me four years to finally get an accurate diagnosis and lasting help---and in the process I learned not to rely on GP's for mental issues. Email me if you have questions.

[Em]

I can identify with everything you have written, right down to pain management and messy houses. For me, I am positive that chronic pain plays a huge role in my mood. When I'm on top of that, things are better.I'm also deeply affected by what I my level of control (looking around my very messy house, tonight, I'd say my control meter is on low). I'm working on that, but it is a battle.

I don't have any great advice, but I hope things feel better soon. Hang in there.

[erinberry]

I'm sorry you are experiencing depression. They say if those hopeless feelings and extreme lethargy last more than two weeks, it's time to see a doctor. Hopefully you can see one who is better at looking for root causes than the one who shoo'ed you out the door with a bc prescription.

Good vibes being sent your way.

[Mollywogger]

Having been in the caring hands of mental health professionals for nearly 6 years now, I can steadfastly say that there is no reason for you to go on feeling miserable. No one gains anything from feeling miserable -- not you, not your family, not your job, no one.

Seek a good therapist or psychiatrist, just to talk, if for no other reason.

[Betsy]

Well, depression is the "shits", for sure. This is actually a subject I know something about... okay, first and foremost, get a doctor that you respect and have a good relationship with. Clinically speaking, how long have you had the most current bout of depression? And, are you having crying spells? Sounds like you are having lethargy, feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, passive thoughts of suicide (even though you wouldn't do it, the thought of sleeping a LONG TIME is there).. what about your sleep patterns? Waking up at 3 a.m. and can't go back to sleep? Or waking up every hour? Or having problems falling asleep? Notice any changes w/ your appetite (eating too much or not enough?). Making mistakes at work? More irritable than usual w/ B, N, M, co-workers, clients? Other people noticed a change in your personality? When is the last time you had a physical? (depression can be caused from thyroid probs, hormone probs, etc.)

If you've had the above sxs, every day for 2 wks or longer, it's really time for you to get help (sooner than later). It's really hard to "bounce back" when the depression has a biological strong hold. Combo of therapy and meds (new SSRI's) will help. Don't think it would take too long either. Definitely treatable.

Sorry you are feeling so bad. Can email me anytime.

[Karen]

I have never experienced depression, but let me tell you I would be calling for help if the signs were there. Any sign. That is no way to live your life.

Good luck with this.

[Tanya]

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I would like to tell you that time heals all wounds, but I think there are moments when we need to look outside of ourselves and see out any help that is available. I'm all about AD. I think that you should seek a second opinion.

[Denise]

"The other part of the problem is that I feel like my profession really makes it impossible for me to admit vulnerability. Pragmatism and good judgment are supposed to be my bread and butter."

Sounds like you are admitting vulnerability, using good judgment in evaluating your situation, and pragmatically seeking a solution to your depression. I'm so sorry you are going through this but admire your strength in facing it.

And the messy house...it really does affect your mood. It only gets messier in the winter when everyone's inside.

I also have the chronic pain/ibuprofen ripping up my stomach issue. I find yoga helps quite a bit. No assvice, just a data point. Because I know how hard it is for a full-time working mom of 2 to schedule something else in her life. That said, for me it's the difference between 600 mg every 6 hours, and none.

I hope you're feeling better soon.

[Spanglish]

It sounds like seasonal affective disorder to me as well. It is the dead of winter, after all. We biologically DO need light and sun. Spring is not far off.

I hope you feel better soon.

[Erica]

I'm so sorry you're feeling so bad. Go easy on yourself, and like others have said, get evaluated by a mental health professional. It may be SAD, or a mild depression (dysthymia) but you don't have to feel so bad for so long.

Talk therapy alone could help you, but you could also benefit from anti-depressants.

I was clinically depressed in 1998-1999. I cried every day. Couldn't get out of bed, was late to work every day. I felt worthless, and had no energy. Prozac helped to get me out of that rut, and I was on it for about a year, then weaned off of it.

You are SO not alone in your feelings, millions of people have varying degrees of depression or anxiety. I hope you feel better soon.